Now I'm scared that this will all blow up in my face. It's harassment, isn't it? Why can't I just let it go? It's terrible. I'm screwing everything up with all of this. What garbage. This is the most permanent thing I've ever felt. My grandmother passed away. I can never see her or talk to her again. That's selfish. She can finally rest and not have to struggle to breathe or deal with anything else that ailed her. Fuck me, her death had nothing to do with me. Why did she have to go, this and that, but she did. And she's not in pain anymore. It has nothing to do with me and If I think it does, I'm a terrible person. She's at rest, I love her.
So by that... so by that. Is derek dead? Don't know. But I can't see him or talk to him again, his choice. I want to. Is that selfish in the same way? Yes. But clearly that is selfish of him too. However, it is also, in the same way, he owes me nothing. He doesn't have to do anything to me or with me. And here I am.
I compared my grandma's death to Derek's disappearance from my life. I've done it before but now this is the first time it's in writing. It used to say "Hey, pathetic." right there but I erased it out. I don't really need to mention the fact that it is pathetic, nor do I need to creuctt the amount.
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